I miss writing. I miss my blog. I don't have much time for writing anymore. Single parenting a 5 year old and full time work in a helping profession take it all out of me. But tonight, as I washed what seemed like every single plate and pot I own, (note to self: do NOT leave the dishes for more than a day!!!), I began processing some pretty deep, dark stuff. Then I thought, I should be writing this down and getting it out of me instead of letting these thoughts and feelings just swirl around inside and eat me up.
My cousin passed away last week. He took his own life. It's...well, it's tragic. And I have been mostly stoic about it. We weren't very close; we never talked or got together. But...still...so tragic. And then, Grace's childcare worker asked me this morning if I was ok. She had heard I was going to a funeral on Friday. I told her I was fine, and I told her about what had happened, and then I got in my car and went to work...and started to cry. There it is. The grief.
On Friday, I will drive 3 1/2 hours to the little town we all grew up in, Bawlf, Alberta. (It's ok to laugh at the name, I won't judge you). We will gather in the Lutheran church where we used to gather as kids for Christmas Eve service, where I had Sunday School and Vacation Bible School as a child, where we gathered for Bryce, Nolan, and Grandma's funerals, and now my cousin, Ken's funeral. Too many funerals. And my cousin's family...too much suffering. We have lost too much. And too young.
My first memory of Bawlf Lutheran Cemetery, is from when I was a child. Maybe 4 or 5. I watched the grown ups all somber and I saw the coffin of my grandfather lowered into the ground. I didn't understand, but I knew it wasn't good or happy.
The last time I visited the cemetery, it was for my Grandmother's inurnment. They laid her to rest next to Grandpa. Then we paid our respects to the boys, Nolan and Bryce just across from Grandma and Grandpa. And we wept. Because, those little angels, they should not have been taken from us so soon.
My cousin, Ken Kerr, will be laid to rest with all of them. Grandma, Grandpa and the boys. I hope he has found peace and light and love. It breaks me. The weight of loss for my cousin's family. For our whole family.
That's as far as I can go for now. There are no more words.