Sunday, February 03, 2013

Is It Enough?

Depression is all around me. I am not myself by definition "depressed" although I have reason to be and definitely experience moments or days of darkness. Doesn't everyone? But it seems depression, that dark, lonely, isolating, heavy, painful presence is affecting many of my loved ones. The worst thing about depression for me, is how helpless I feel to help. I know my family and friends desperately want help, but they are so confined within their prison walls, it's as though they can't even see me wailing against the walls with bloody fists.

 I...

Can't...

Get...

In.

And when I'm tired of trying, and I see them slipping farther and farther from me, I am tempted to back away myself. Because my biggest fear, is that depression will win, and I will lose them.

I've seen such fearful darkness, but I've also seen how the smallest flicker of Light can dispel that darkness. That's what I hold onto right now: The memory of one of my dearest, on that edge, that precipice, getting ready to jump, and me, closing my eyes so tight so I don't have to watch, waiting for the crash that will shatter my heart and hearing instead, the most beautiful whisper of the choice to live and seeing her in front of me, broken, bruised, battered, but alive.

All I can do, is stand with you, in the darkness and hope you know how much I love you, and hope that's enough. And hope for the faintest of Light to show you the way out.

I love you. I love you. I love you.



2 comments:

denizen of the deep said...

You need to think about yourself. If you are not well, your baby is not well, your family is not well, no one is well. I discovered once, when I wasn't well myself, that very often saying 'no' to people and putting your needs before the needs of others solve a very large part of the problem. It won't solve it completely (I can't lie) BUT it will be the first step, a very big step too. Take care, I hope that at some point you will find the strenght to face your problems and tell them to go

Nicole MacIver Okiring said...

You are right, denizen of the deep, that I need to take care of myself and I think I am trying to do that. Thank you for the kind comment. I suppose the best we can do, is take it day by day. Peace.